My relationship with movies (the condensed version)
I was six years old when I fell in love with movies and how they’re made.
Seventeen years old when I decided I wanted to make movies for a living.
Eighteen years old when I made my first ever short film that was constructed with actual story elements.
Nineteen years old when I participated in a filmmaking competition called the 48 Hour Film Project.
The Things I’m learning as a filmmaker right now, which I saw pre-learning/self-teaching, will be forever useful during my life as a filmmaker.
I’m still learning and I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning.
I love movies more than most things. I love watching and reading anything that has to do with movies or making movies. The way I think, speak, and dream is like a movie. Moments of my life are like scenes that I’m living in.
The day that I cannot physically, mentally, or even spiritually make a movie, is the day that I hope God will use as the day that I die.
My life is changing. It’s probably for the better. But I’m scared and nervous and almost happy…
Whatever happens to me in 2013, I hope it’s a better than what 2012 gave me, and I hope it’s double the greatness that 2011 was.
I’m walking around K-Mart. Wearing a 2 light jackets, browsing around and as always, i’m carrying my back pack. There seems to be no worry in my head, just me browsing around as i’m singing/beatboxing to myself.
And then—I see my ex-girlfriend’s sister. (The last time I saw her, I think we were still on good terms, but we’ve always been cool with each other, even though we hardly talked.) So I look at her and she gives me a hello with a smile, and I smile back, nodding my head. I feel that me and her are still alright and it’s a nice, held back, surprise.
And that when I hear her little sister say something. Abby, my ex-girlfriend. In my dream it’s been such a long time since I actually talked to her. It’s mixed feelings between being shocked that I would find her here in K-Mart, She still looks as nice as when we broke up, and also a feeling that…we’re strangers.
I call out, “Hey.” She turns around and she looks at me and immediately, her face turns into a look of disgust and she’s backing away from me. I don’t actually say anything, but i tell her with my eyes and small expression, “stop please, I just want to talk, don’t make me feel like this.”
She ignores me, turns back around,with a fading face of disgust and she hiding away a smile and continues shopping with her sister and they both go look at some shirts or whatever. Somebody calls out hello and it’s directed towards Abby. I don’t look to see who it is. I keep my eyes on her, because I don’t want to leave here without talking to her, at least.
I call out her name as confident as I could in that situation, “Abby. Can we please just talk.” and she drops her head and we move somewhere so that we could finally talk. No words are spoken yet. She just looks at me, waiting to hear what I have to say. I’ve seen that face before too, I missed it a little. And I just look at her, like I used to look at her: straight into her eyes, observing every little detail about her, like her little birthmark under her nose and her eyebrows and her brown eyes which are angry with me. Then I hesitate a little before I open my mouth to speak and then—
Nothing. The dream ends. I didn’t get my talk, I didn’t get to ask the questions I’ve been wanting to ask her. I never got to try to redeem myself and end on good terms. Nothing. The dream just ends there and i woke up.
I shouldn’t be having these dreams. Dreams with Abby in them. It’s almost going to be a year since we broke up in February 19. She already has somebody else, who she’ll almost be a year with…and I’m still by myself. It sucks. It’s life, though, right? Falling in love, then falling out? That’s just life. But this damn dream or any other dream with Abby. I wish they should stop just like Abby has stopped talking and stopped seeing me.
I find myself questioning God a lot and forgetting to question myself.
I find myself thinking too critically and not about faith.
I find myself pushing Him away and pulling myself down.
I think I finally understand that quote: “Let Go and Let God.”
there was a trend on twitter: #ToMyFutureSon, and it got me thinking, what would I want to say to my future son? The things I want to say right now aren’t really things I would actually say to him, but teach him with experience as he grows up. I think I’ll treat this like a love letter to my future son(s), because I am going to love him no matter what.
Dear Future Son(s) of mine,
First off, you’re very lucky to have me as your father. I’m pretty awesome. You’ll think that for a few year, then maybe you’ll hate me, but the kind of hate that mean I’m teaching you the right way. I don’t want you to hate me because I’m a terrible father, like one who leaves you or one who abuses you. I want to be a father you’ll love. Your mom and I are going to love you no matter what. You’ll mostly grow up Catholic and I would love for you to be, and if for any reason you find out you don’t want to be Catholic or you become atheist. I’m not going to disown you, I’ll just laugh and say you’re going through a phase in your life. You’ll argue with me, but I found out that there are some things that happen that can’t be explained through science and reason and logic, but it’s reasonable to say that God has to be behind some of these things. I dare you to argue with me, you’re still going to fucking lose. Anyways, like I said, I’ll still love you.
and with that topic of loving you, no matter what: I should address that if you turn out to be like dudes, or both dudes and chicks, or you want to be a chick… I’m gonna be honest with you and tell you that being a tranny is gonna weird me the fuck out more than you liking dudes. I like to think of myself as progressive thinking and open minded, so if you like dudes. Let it be, right? it’s still going to weird me out if I see you kissing dudes, and it’s really going to weird me out if i even think about you doing other dudes, that just means I’m straight, but I will never ever make you feel terrible about who you are, and I’ll support you. You’re still my son, I’ll never abandon or disown you, and I’ll love you no matter what.
One of the things I want to teach you in life as you grow up, is to not be such a little bitch. and hear me out, this is just how i talk , but what I mean is: don’t be scared of things that will stop you from doing the things you really want to do. be confident and brave. Chase your dreams, live an exciting young life, learn your lessons. Sometimes confidence is born within a person, but it can also be made. confidence will get destroyed, but I will teach you to build it up higher and stronger. You are awesome. Remember that. Your mom and I didn’t fall in love and have you so we could have a non-awesome kid. You’re gonna be awesome no matter what. plus, chicks dig confidence.
I’m gonna make you do sports, because it has to do with the confidence part, but mostly, I want you to find something you’re good at that doesn’t make you a lazy pile. You’re gonna wrestle, play football, soccer, basketball, or whatever. I’ll have you dance, and i’ll make you work out. trust me, you’ll like it and what it does to your body. You’ll feel and look great.
One of the things I want to teach you is to learn from experience, but also to learn from the experience of others. Your mother and I will be the first teachers you’ll ever have. We’ve had more experience living life, than you’rel little smart ass has ever lived. We’ve made good and bad choices and we’ll teach you how to live smart and help you avoid some serious mistakes. Regardless of what happens, you’re going to make mistakes in your life, but hopefully you can avoid the mistakes that can cost you your life, either by death or to totally crush your soul. Talk to us, learn from us and others, and you’ll be a wise man, maybe a wise guy, but most importantly, a wise man.
One of the things my dad, your grandfather (may God bless him to ever get to know you) , promised is that he wanted to be a good father to me. I promise to be a better father. I promise to give you a life worth being told in stories.
I also promise to never spoil you. “You want that toy and it’s not your birthday or christmas? mow the lawn” “you want to go to that party this friday with your friends? is your homework done, bed made, and laundry done?” “oh you want to talk back to me? talk back to my middle finger” “you wanna disrespect your mom? how about you go fetch your car keys in the middle of the night, you snotty bastard.” I may sound harsh and this is more or less how I’ll be with you, but I’ll never raise a spoiled, rotten child. You WILL be respectful, and you WILL work hard for things you want. there’s no handouts in life so you gotta work for what you want. And you don’t get respect unless you give it out first.
Just remember, I’m 19 years old as I’m writing this. Some of my views will mature as I get older, I have more things to learn and i still have to find a wife. But these are some of the things i wanted to say. this till be like a time capsule of what i wrote when I was 19. let’s see how many of these things I fulfill and see how many I exceed.
October 31, 2012.
with love, forever and always,