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A Beautiful Sadness
Mar 11, 2013 / 23 notes

A Beautiful Sadness

so put music in your ears, put your pen on the paper, and just fucking do it! Put your heart and soul into that play and make people feel that you did! no matter what! you can do it!
Gabriel Tejeda
Mar 6, 2013
Here’s the thing about life. On the one hand, none of it matters. Many philosophers come to this conclusion and cannot figure out why anyone should care either way. Human beings will expand from Earth to the next galaxy and the next and then what? Our technology will increase without bounds. Life will constantly change for our species but, as a whole, we don’t have a goal nor a well-defined purpose nor a mission statement for humanity. We are just trudging through the universe one day at a time. This is why people war. They don’t think things through. They crave purpose and meaning. They are incapable of projecting far enough into the future to do something useful. They are irrational, always, and they often cause more trouble than is needed. You could look at all of that and decide you don’t want to live in such a world. But, if you do that you neglect a key aspect of it all–being a human being is a highly unique experience.
Really think about that: no one will ever have a brain like yours, or your quirks, or your combination of experiences. Even your fellow frends differ from one another despite many similarities. Expand that– humans are different from you. Consider even more the unlikeliness that you would be here in the first place. We humans take life for granted because it is all around us but you should not be here, statistically speaking. Neither should I. We are that one in a billion sperm that made it into the highly elite University of Mommy’s Egg. In our case, the penalty for not getting into that university was not sulking and licking wounds or retaking the entrance exams–it was death. Right off the bat, many of the potential replacements for you never got the chance to come into existence and as such never got the privilege to truly experience being a human being. They never got the opportunity to develop a brain that is better than any supercomputer pound per pound. They never got the opportunity to reason. They were never able to use those hundreds of thousands of sensors we call rods and cones in conjunction with the world’s best, all-natural, dynamically adjusting, camera lens (eyes) and the processing centers of our brain to interpret the energy given off by a sunset and translate it all into the beautiful image we know. Think about that. When you SEE, you are translating waves of energy into colors. That’s insane. When you HEAR, you are translating pressure waves into the audio you are perceiving. The other sperm never even got the opportunity to hear the most gorgeous note which is capable of sending chills down your spine.
Why is being a human so great? Because as a species, we are not only complex but are statistically anomalies. We go from hydrocarbon blueprints redundantly encoded in biological structures to sacks of meat to children who very quickly figure out for themselves how to take random sensory input like sight, sound, balance, etc. and make sense of it in real time. We are self-aware and dynamically adjust to life’s curve balls. Why should you want to live? Because you have eternity to be dead. That’s a hell of a lot longer than the 70-100 years you will be alive on this planet. As long as you are going to die anyway in the future, you may as well enjoy the privilege of being a human now while you can appreciate it because it is a gift that you would be a fool to squander.
Feb 11, 2013 / 2 notes
Aug 24, 2012

Anonymous said: One day everyone will see past your fake exterior and meet the real asshole which is you. Then you will be alone. I will be happy when that day comes.

yeah, that asshole has come and gone, but may sometimes return for a brief moment. My exgirlfriend got too much of that asshole the last three months we went out. You would’ve been really happen then. But you think you know me. But you don’t. you may read some of my tumblr post or maybe you’re OOMF on twitter or facebook and read some of the things i say and then you think you know me. Maybe you’re friend of mine who has gotten to hang out with me and know me a little, but you don’t know me enough. Honestly, there’s really only one person who knows me more than some of my family members, but she broke up with me 6 months ago. I have so many exteriors that you probably only got to see a few of them.  I’m not an asshole, I’m a human being. You want to meet an asshole? go stick your head between your ass. and don’t talk to me about being alone. I know what that is, i’ve felt it, i’ve faced it myself. I’m not afraid to be alone, but the thing is that I’m never alone. never. you might be happy for a little bit if you do see me alone, but just  know that no matter what, I’m still going to be happier than you, whoever you are. I find my happiness and i fight for it. i don’t let any loneliness or negative feelings bring me down. those are the demons i fight everyday. So excuse me for saying this, but fuck you. fuck for you thinking you know me that you wish a curse upon me. fuck you for looking for happiness in the sadness of others. and this might seem contradictory to what i’ve said to you so far, but may God help you to open your closed eyes and mind and to bring you positive things.

Jun 3, 2012

Drunk, tipsy, whatever tonight

Tonight Im thinking and I hope no body uses this against me.

But I miss her. I miss her a lot. I do miss Abby because she was my love and I talked to her about everything and she was the one person I wasn’t so afraid to share my feelings with. all my feelings: anger, hate, love, sadness, happiness… but I don’t have her to share that with anymore and it sucks! becuase I once had a really special someone that I had but it’s gone now.

I shouldn’t even be thinking about her but i still fucking do! She doesn’t give a shit about me and doesn’t want to talk to me at all anymore and has a new boyfriend and me? I’m still by myself with nobody. I have my best friend, but it’s not the same.

and I hate it when people talk shit about her, or say things that she did to me that they can’t know for sure. I don’t want to hear that she cheated on me, because no one can know that for sure unless it’s her and for some reason i trust and believe that she didn’t.

It’s been three months since she broke up with me…and…i still think about her. and now it’s different because now i’m having mixed feelings because i miss her then i start to not find her as attractive, then i wish i was with her again and then I’m with other girls enjoying being single… but as myself…being single is a fuhking curse! I actually hate being single.

I want somebody to love and I need somebody to love who loves me as I do her.

Tonight…my only wish…is that she would talk to me. Talk to me without this hate that she has for me…like when we were friends… my only wish.

Goodnight

Mar 8, 2012 / 1 note

[I Feel Different, Babe]

I feel like I got back my confidence and that I’m not so alone now. 

I’m going out with two of my best friends from high school to this club and I can’t wait to have fun with them and I feel good.

Lately, I’ve been putting a lot of things in perspective and I can see that, my life is a terrible situation but I shouldn’t make it worse by thinking the worst. I lost myself and wasn’t being myself maybe a month ago. I’m still in the process of getting better but I feel a little better. I just want to take things one day at a time, but the way I’m living I still have to try to work out my near future. My near future is important because it’s what is going to make or break me in order to have a future. That’s just the way it is.

I think Lent is making me feel a lot better because even before hand, I promised my, then, girlfriend that I would work out to make myself better and for her. Just days before Lent my girlfriend left me and at the same time I lost one of my best friends, but I kept my promise and made a promise to God: I’m gonna work out to get back in better shape and to look good. I like looking good and looking good builds confidence so I’m feeling a lot better. 

I’ve also been praying more, or at least talking to God and Jesus a lot more. They’re a part of my life that I just can’t get rid of and won’t leave me either. I’ve become more aware of myself and what I want.So what do I want? I’m not sure it would happen:

  1. but I do want her back because I’m more of myself the way she wanted me to be. I remember her telling me that she wants me to be myself after acting like a sad little bitch. I’m not that sad little bitch the last several weeks. I really loved being with her and want to bring things back to how they were, but at the same time doing things that we love to do, without holding each other back and offering full support which I totally understand now
  2. I know I want to look and feel better. I will keep working out because, honestly and even if it sounds a little corny, but I want to looks like DJ Pauly D, or Ronnie, or Mike from the Jersey Shore. I really do, I like that they are in really good shape and I want to get on their level.
  3. I still want to make movies and this summer, I am going to the the 48 Hour Film Festival here in Des Moines. As you know, or not, I love movies and I have a dream about making movies and I want to keep making movies
  4. I am going to finish TecMilenio, it’s the online college I’m going to. This school is one of the top schools in Mexico and is considered as a Mexican Harvard. It’s a good education and I will get my fucking Bachelor’s Degree in 3 years. I will finish with higher education.

These are things that I want right now so far, and I will consider them goals to achieve, God and the Universe willing. (well God and the universe are the same thing haha) 

I think Lent has made me feeling  better, made me think and wanting me to turn things to the positive, to who I am.

I cannot live negatively. I felt negative for several months and it destroyed what I cared for most and made me feel terrible. I have to go back to being positive and smiling and having fun.

So like I said

I feel different, babe. :) and this is a cheers to looking towards positivity.

Feb 28, 2012 / 1 note
Jan 7, 2012 / 11 notes

Sometimes…

I feel like my reality is construed…

I believe in movies. I believe what they teach me, no matter how fictional they are.

I believe in my dreams, no matter if they intervene with real life…dreams come true.

My mind is too fucked and full of things that shouldn’t be let loose. I have thoughts of love and betrayal, happiness and sorrow; I have thoughts that could end relationships or start new ones, make me lonely or make me popular. The positive thoughts are stronger and can be trustfully set free. 

The negative ones must be tied down. there is such thing as too much honesty.

"It is better to be kind, than to be honest."

Sometimes I have doubts and sometimes I have reassurances. God help me to keep on the positive route.

Sometimes my thoughts can be my prayers. I haven’t been praying to much, just too many thoughts. I need to pray more.

Sometimes I think if I deserve her. Sometimes I think if she would be better off without me.

Sometimes I’m left alone with my thoughts, therefore this blog.

Sometimes I worry myself and sometimes I over think too much. 

I just need somebody by my side.