A Beautiful Sadness
Anonymous asked: One day everyone will see past your fake exterior and meet the real asshole which is you. Then you will be alone. I will be happy when that day comes.
yeah, that asshole has come and gone, but may sometimes return for a brief moment. My exgirlfriend got too much of that asshole the last three months we went out. You would’ve been really happen then. But you think you know me. But you don’t. you may read some of my tumblr post or maybe you’re OOMF on twitter or facebook and read some of the things i say and then you think you know me. Maybe you’re friend of mine who has gotten to hang out with me and know me a little, but you don’t know me enough. Honestly, there’s really only one person who knows me more than some of my family members, but she broke up with me 6 months ago. I have so many exteriors that you probably only got to see a few of them. I’m not an asshole, I’m a human being. You want to meet an asshole? go stick your head between your ass. and don’t talk to me about being alone. I know what that is, i’ve felt it, i’ve faced it myself. I’m not afraid to be alone, but the thing is that I’m never alone. never. you might be happy for a little bit if you do see me alone, but just know that no matter what, I’m still going to be happier than you, whoever you are. I find my happiness and i fight for it. i don’t let any loneliness or negative feelings bring me down. those are the demons i fight everyday. So excuse me for saying this, but fuck you. fuck for you thinking you know me that you wish a curse upon me. fuck you for looking for happiness in the sadness of others. and this might seem contradictory to what i’ve said to you so far, but may God help you to open your closed eyes and mind and to bring you positive things.
Tonight Im thinking and I hope no body uses this against me.
But I miss her. I miss her a lot. I do miss Abby because she was my love and I talked to her about everything and she was the one person I wasn’t so afraid to share my feelings with. all my feelings: anger, hate, love, sadness, happiness… but I don’t have her to share that with anymore and it sucks! becuase I once had a really special someone that I had but it’s gone now.
I shouldn’t even be thinking about her but i still fucking do! She doesn’t give a shit about me and doesn’t want to talk to me at all anymore and has a new boyfriend and me? I’m still by myself with nobody. I have my best friend, but it’s not the same.
and I hate it when people talk shit about her, or say things that she did to me that they can’t know for sure. I don’t want to hear that she cheated on me, because no one can know that for sure unless it’s her and for some reason i trust and believe that she didn’t.
It’s been three months since she broke up with me…and…i still think about her. and now it’s different because now i’m having mixed feelings because i miss her then i start to not find her as attractive, then i wish i was with her again and then I’m with other girls enjoying being single… but as myself…being single is a fuhking curse! I actually hate being single.
I want somebody to love and I need somebody to love who loves me as I do her.
Tonight…my only wish…is that she would talk to me. Talk to me without this hate that she has for me…like when we were friends… my only wish.
yeah right, this is bullshit. Last time i freely told my feelings, it led to me getting fuhking dumped. granted, I was in a depression of mine and the only person that I thought cared about my feelings was the one special person in my life, but she dumped me. So fuck feelings. Feelings destroy us and don’t give us anything good. we’re in a world where we let our feelings control us and no body thinks anymore. so yeah, this is bullshit.
I feel like I got back my confidence and that I’m not so alone now.
I’m going out with two of my best friends from high school to this club and I can’t wait to have fun with them and I feel good.
Lately, I’ve been putting a lot of things in perspective and I can see that, my life is a terrible situation but I shouldn’t make it worse by thinking the worst. I lost myself and wasn’t being myself maybe a month ago. I’m still in the process of getting better but I feel a little better. I just want to take things one day at a time, but the way I’m living I still have to try to work out my near future. My near future is important because it’s what is going to make or break me in order to have a future. That’s just the way it is.
I think Lent is making me feel a lot better because even before hand, I promised my, then, girlfriend that I would work out to make myself better and for her. Just days before Lent my girlfriend left me and at the same time I lost one of my best friends, but I kept my promise and made a promise to God: I’m gonna work out to get back in better shape and to look good. I like looking good and looking good builds confidence so I’m feeling a lot better.
I’ve also been praying more, or at least talking to God and Jesus a lot more. They’re a part of my life that I just can’t get rid of and won’t leave me either. I’ve become more aware of myself and what I want.So what do I want? I’m not sure it would happen:
These are things that I want right now so far, and I will consider them goals to achieve, God and the Universe willing. (well God and the universe are the same thing haha)
I think Lent has made me feeling better, made me think and wanting me to turn things to the positive, to who I am.
I cannot live negatively. I felt negative for several months and it destroyed what I cared for most and made me feel terrible. I have to go back to being positive and smiling and having fun.
So like I said
I feel different, babe. :) and this is a cheers to looking towards positivity.
I feel like my reality is construed…
I believe in movies. I believe what they teach me, no matter how fictional they are.
I believe in my dreams, no matter if they intervene with real life…dreams come true.
My mind is too fucked and full of things that shouldn’t be let loose. I have thoughts of love and betrayal, happiness and sorrow; I have thoughts that could end relationships or start new ones, make me lonely or make me popular. The positive thoughts are stronger and can be trustfully set free.
The negative ones must be tied down. there is such thing as too much honesty.
"It is better to be kind, than to be honest."
Sometimes I have doubts and sometimes I have reassurances. God help me to keep on the positive route.
Sometimes my thoughts can be my prayers. I haven’t been praying to much, just too many thoughts. I need to pray more.
Sometimes I think if I deserve her. Sometimes I think if she would be better off without me.
Sometimes I’m left alone with my thoughts, therefore this blog.
Sometimes I worry myself and sometimes I over think too much.
I just need somebody by my side.