I think I just realized or I have finally admitted it to myself or that it reached me that I don’t like to think about my future anymore. I don’t want to think about where I’ll be in 5 years because…I don’t know where I’ll be. I feel that the more I think about my future, the more I won’t have one. I don’t mean I’m going to die, however it could be the case (God might want me in the next 5 years) but I feel that I’ll be heading nowhere, or somewhere I won’t be happy. It wasn’t until I broke up with my girlfriend that my future did shatter and became obsolete. Maybe it was a good thing because now I can live now and in the moment and day. Is that a good thing and to a certain extent? to the extent where I have to have something for me in the future?
Something important to me, who’s going to be the girl that I can love who will love me back? …I have no clue. I know I need to try but with whom? It’s difficult.
I don’t want to be a loser and shut in with nowhere to go. that’s not who I want to be. I need to socialize and be with someone and have something waiting for me.
but my future, I can’t go into my future alone. I know my friends will be there but they can only come with me so far.
So God, using Tumblr as my way to pray again, please help me out. I need your help.
I feel like my reality is construed…
I believe in movies. I believe what they teach me, no matter how fictional they are.
I believe in my dreams, no matter if they intervene with real life…dreams come true.
My mind is too fucked and full of things that shouldn’t be let loose. I have thoughts of love and betrayal, happiness and sorrow; I have thoughts that could end relationships or start new ones, make me lonely or make me popular. The positive thoughts are stronger and can be trustfully set free.
The negative ones must be tied down. there is such thing as too much honesty.
"It is better to be kind, than to be honest."
Sometimes I have doubts and sometimes I have reassurances. God help me to keep on the positive route.
Sometimes my thoughts can be my prayers. I haven’t been praying to much, just too many thoughts. I need to pray more.
Sometimes I think if I deserve her. Sometimes I think if she would be better off without me.
Sometimes I’m left alone with my thoughts, therefore this blog.
Sometimes I worry myself and sometimes I over think too much.
I just need somebody by my side.